Question from reader :
sir i met a girl on orkut, she is a model. i m in the army i got her no frm her scrap so we started talking on fone. initially we spoke for longer time den once she asked me to meet her but i look below average so i made excuse and avoided to meet her. at that time she behaved normally but after some days she started avoiding my calls and msgs so i become more despo like a psycho and i calld her many times. den once she attended my call and told me not to call her again. we had heated conversation. after dat i stopped for some days bt one day i saw her on her scooty after dat till now i m calling her msging her for forgivenes but she is not answering any of msgs nor calls. plzz help me how i can get her back. i dont have her address.
– amar, mumbai
***My response***
You can't get her back because she now sees you as a low-value male.
Women avoid low-value males. They are mentally programmed (by nature) to be attracted to only high-value males.
Read this previous post and come back here.
Let's look at all the things you did wrong and the one thing you did right.
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You were not in a hurry to meet her. Good!
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Most men are in a rush to meet the girl. Within minutes of talking, they ask her out.
But you were not in a hurry. This made you come across as non-needy.
It made you look like you already had women in your life.
It made you stand out from all the other guys.
It intrigued her, even created some attraction.
She didn't know that you're afraid and lacking self confidence (that's easy to conceal on the phone).
She wanted to meet you and see if she could take things forward with you.
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You refused to meet her. Not good.
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When you made an excuse to not meet her, she got confused. It made her wonder about you.
Even if this has never happened to her before, her friends would have shared stories about guys who are roaring tigers on the phone, but pussies in real life.
(you didn't say what excuse you gave for not meeting, but I'm guessing it was something lame)
As a result, she saw you as a low value man. And she lost attraction for you.
Lesson for all readers : Most girls don't know that men are afraid to meet and talk to girls. When guys don't approach, she thinks it's because SHE is not attractive enough. She usually doesn't realize that it's the guy who is terrified of approaching. With time, experience, and through stories from friends, girls learn about the male fear of approaching.
Btw, even if you want to postpone the meeting, you should give a high value excuse.
Example :
She : "Let's meet"
You : "Hellooo, I barely know you and you want to meet already?! How do I know you're not a psycho?! Let's talk for a while, until I know you're safe."
or
She : "Let's meet"
You : "Where are you taking me for coffee? Don't take me to some chota coffee shop, I only have coffee at expensive places"
She : "Why should I take you out? It's the guy who takes the girl out, blah, blah…"
You : "Helloooo, I am the hunk remember? Girls take hunks out, girls buy hunks gifts."
She : "Oh really? Blah, blah…"
You : "Btw, how do you plan to entertain me during the coffee?"
She : "Entertain? Why should I entertain? Blah, blah…"
You : "Excuse me, we can't have just coffee. I get bored easily. Don't you have plans to entertain me? Like, can you do mimicry? Can you sing? Say funny jokes? not your usual lame ones, but really funny jokes? No? Hey bhagwan, kaisi boring chokri se paala pada hai mera"
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You cut short the mating sequence. Bad.
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The male and female of every living species (squirrels, frogs, spiders, tigers, penguins, flies, gorillas, mosquitoes, humans…) go through a mating sequence of 3 steps.
1) Attraction 2) Comfort 3) Seduction
First, the male attracts the female by displaying high value behaviour.
Next, male builds comfort until the female is convinced that he is safe and will stay with her after sex.
Finally, the male seduces the female and has sex with her.
You did the first step OK. You created some attraction by showing no eagerness to meet her (or because you are in the army or perhaps because you speak well, or because of a combination of the three).
Now she wanted to meet you to build comfort and perhaps get seduced.
She wanted to go through the mating sequence. 1, 2, 3.
By refusing to meet her, you cut short the mating sequence!
This does not happen in nature. This is abnormal behaviour.
And as you know, we are all programmed to stay away from abnormal people.
So she moved away from you.
If you want to learn the detailed scientific basis behind the mating sequence read The Red Queen
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You became "despo" and started calling her like a "psycho". Very bad!
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When she wanted to meet you, you didn't meet her. So she moved on.
But you continue to call her. Why?
Why are you calling her when YOU showed that you're not interested in her?
Example: A credit card salesman calls you and says he wants to meet you. You refuse to meet him. But you call him continuously. Isn't that abnormal behaviour?
In fact, you showed abnormal behaviour TWICE. First, when you cut short the mating sequence by avoiding meeting her. Next, when you called her continuously even after showing lack of interest in her.
It is natural for her to see you as a VERY abnormal person and avoid you. All humans are wired to avoid anything abnormal in nature.
It's like when you see a woman with diseased lips and face.
She looks abnormal. Does it matter that she has beautiful eyes, lovely hair and sexy breasts?
Would you kiss JUST her eyes and stroke JUST her hair?
NO!
You'll want to avoid her totally, because she is ABNORMAL.
That's why this girl is not taking your calls.
She is avoiding you because you've displayed abnormal behaviour.
Now you want to get her back.
I am afraid you can't. It's almost impossible.
In fact, it's easier for you to get 3 new girls who are HOTTER than her, than it is to get this girl back.
Stalker alert !
I must point out that you're beginning to behave like a stalker. If she complains to the cops you could be in trouble with all the evidence
she has in in her phone.
I know you're regretting not meeting her when you had the chance, and now you desperately want her back. But there's nothing you can do except learn from the experience and move on. Such things have happened to most guys, including me. If we ever meet, remind me to tell you the stupid things I have done that made girls run far, far away from me. And yes, I have also avoided meeting girls who liked me, because I thought she may not like me in person. It happens to guys all the time.
Btw, since your "below average" looks is bothering you, here's some gyaan that I have learnt the hard way.
For a man, good looks is all VISUAL. If a woman is "good looking" he is attracted to her.
But for a woman, good looks is mostly MENTAL. When a man is good looking it is not enough for her, she wants to hear him talk, she wants to see his body language, she is more attracted to personality and inner confidence, than looks.
I prove this to students at our bootcamps and workshops. I don't change anything about my students except the way they dress, walk and talk. And suddenly they become "good looking" to women.
Here are some fashion ideas we implement at our events. Try them out on yourself today at a store near you.
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Got a dating question? Click here
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Missed my previous post?
Due to bug in my blog, some of you missed my previous post. You'll find it here
"I proposed like a fattu, can I still get her?"